The grass is green, the fry up ample. Our hosts do their own version of the full Usherwood – made by a brickie – and a thing of beauty. Sages unusually quiet as they play on their Instamoji thing – no mention of a quill pen, it’ll never catch on. Our sides met two weeks ago and ended with a hard-fought draw – so, much to play for. We appear to have a full squad ably supported by the U16s. Tanky with clipboard in hand and looking every inch the executive, the Jack Welch of colts rugby: this MBWA malarkey is going to his head. It’s all looking a bit serious, he’ll be wearing Tweed next. Sossssarge has returned. I haven’t seen him yet, but his dulcet tones are wafting across the open ground so he must be in Coventry somewhere. Our young charges are being put through their paces in brilliant sunshine, I hope ZZ has the sun cream at the ready. Drills are cranking up, as the tension mounts, we’ll complete one eventually. It appears that Defrocked and Stig have a couple of white threads dangling from their shorts, until closer inspections show them to be their Crazylegs Crane appendages. It’s not pretty and Stig disproportionately happy.

As they line-up for the kick-off our hosts looking up for it and with size on their side – maybe that full Brickie Bap will influence the game. We’re under way as both sides are keen to probe and find openings. None found. Leam not famous for a flying start but holding their own in the early skirmishes. Earls now with a probing kick that Gorgeous covers with a deft shinned kick into Dobbies bread-basket; must be a training ground play rather than the Fred Karno slapstick routine that it appeared to be. Either way, touch found and a pause for breath. The game settles into a pattern, robust Earls breaking forward and making ground as the Leam tackles stick, and progress is abated. Ten minutes gone and Leam still holding firm – probing inconclusive. Well, inconclusive until Earls force a 5m lineout. A training ground routine well-rehearsed and executed – size was always going to win that argument. Try Earls.
5 v 0

Leam respond well and force their own 5m lineout. No joy. Misfiring and possession lost. With Earls, size means advancing by 0.9114 metres at a time and the phases add up to territory. Leam can’t afford to give away cheap possession, but they do. Kicks not reaching touch are returned with added interest. When the kicks work – they work well. The 15 closed down, as he chases the egg, and a dangerous lineout to Leam. Pressure and territory as earls are squeezed back against their line. Persistence from Leam for their best passage of play, but all counts for naught. Another missed opportunity and we’ve been here before. A monster boot from Earls and pressure evaporates as Leam are again on the back foot. Earls with a head of steam building and pressure telling. Sir calls out a deliberate knock on. Yellow card. A tad harsh, mumble the Sages, but a player down is not a good look. Earls not missing a trick, as they swing it wide to the opposite wing and a try follows.
10 v 0

Leam take the restart and Long Shanks is under it. Good play, as a bit of kicking to and fro, but it is the hosts that kick and chase with more purpose. Try.
15 v 0

Leam restart but are now looking a little ragged. Earls with their tails in the air as they punish mistakes. A long-range kick, a dangerous lineout, a well-rehearsed rolling maul. Muscle memory as they trundle over the line. Try.
20 v 0

It’s the last action of the half, as Leam take a much-needed break to lick wounds and regroup. Sages not overly impressed. ‘They’re bigger and it shows’. ‘The architects of our own demise’. We’re not capitalising on our good possession and territory – game management not apparent. What words of wisdom can be imparted over the brief sojourn? We shall see. Restart and all looking good until they break and barrel through without too much hindrance from flailing tackles. Try.
25 v 0

Master plan at half time not yet apparent – we’ve started as we left off. Another set piece, from a searching kick. A set play and it leads to another try.
30 v 0

According to a young Sage ‘the defence is too wide – three backs inside the posts would help’. Quite probably true – but how would the Bard know? Scrum, a mess and nasty looking as Leam collapse into a crumpled heap. Another scrum and Leam hold firm. Earls are still looking too comfortable as Leam endeavour without really testing the hosts. Another dangerous lineout from Earls and the ever-fashionable rolling maul ensues. We’ve been here before, I seem to remember, but Leam have no antidote. Try.
37 v 0

The only notable feature is the ironic cheer, by the home fans, as the conversion sails over. Well, the restart didn’t go too well. A counter attack and a well weighted punt has nestled in the try zone. First in attendance was a red and white shirt. Try.
44 v 0

Another swiftly follows, as another kick, with wind and slope behind the ball, sets up another dangerous lineout. Without a defensive play to offer the inevitable try follows.
49 v 0

Sosssssarge, pensive as he struts the touchline. What words of wisdom has he to offer? ‘Just like parliament, they all have jobs to do but they don’t know what they’re doing’; Harsh but fair from the donkey fiddler. Dark arts from Fauntleroy is a welcome sight. The small margins that have gone against us being harnessed to our benefit. Pressure being applied and Leam with a rare foray into Earls territory and with a dangerous lineout. Leam camped in the Hosts 22 (more of a fleeting appearance coupled with a prolonged attack of cramp) but no joy. Earls respond with some flowing rugby and pressure is relieved. Leam, however, manage to take a scrum against the head, in fact, make that two. Rare, but a fine sight against a powerful pack. Ginja, must have just come on, finally collects a ball down the line. A 54.864 metre surging run with jinks and turns posing the Earls defence a conundrum to solve – and eventually they do. A hasty defence and Leam force a mistake and penalty awarded. Under the posts and Leam take the 3 points.
49 v 3

A psychological barrier for Leam and a welcome, but meager, bursting of the big fat zero. Leam deserved at least that. Earls bounce back, however, and burst through the somewhat weary Leam line. The last try of the game is placed down. Try.
54 v 3

Sir, has seen plentiful, and puts Leam out of their misery – enough is enough as the final whistle is blown.

A traipse back to the clubhouse and deep in thought the Sages gaggle. Words of wisdom are slow in coming to the fore. Defrocked thought it was fun (and he’s defining fun as akin to ripping toe nails out one by one). Stig is grumpy. A pint will aid in his recovery. A drop-off in performance from previous weeks. Still a grumpy Hector.

Tanky – missing key players; kicking not good enough; poor service to backs. Clip board of limited use. His attention turns to the soap dodgers on parade. Dobie kit will be issued. Varying array of inventive knot tying by eejits – the Windsor knot in attendance but not as you’d know it. A welcome distraction from the on-field events.

Fauntleroy – blah, blah, blah, his manservant is considering joining a union – the temerity of it. ‘More structured attack single out there wingers to allow us to attack more effectively which would allow us more effectively (I think I’m in a time loop) to prevent the amount of rucks. Could increase our attacking opportunities to allow us to win’. Put like that it’s a wonder we didn’t win.

Sosssarge – Sh*$$t^. Something about parliament, again, and if he mentions Brexit the Bard is off.

Skippy – Stumped. Nothing positive to report except ‘Come on Eileen’ apparently is Hooky’s song of choice in the scrum. Strange that ZZ Top aren’t on that particular play list.

Shake Hands – ‘forwards uncommunitive [sic] with no clean ball to the backs. When we did it went to sugar. Put this game behind us.’ Sentiment is about right even if he’s making up his own words.

Grumpy Stig – is back in the room and threatening more Tweed. A pint-and-a-half in and he’s talking complete bonkers. I preferred him grumpy.

Even Beezo with the last comment of the day had nothing that is printable to say. All that from the finest education money can buy – Damian Hinds will be getting a straightener from me Monday morning.

Which pretty much sums up a disappointing day. Patchy play and too little to force our hosts out of their comfort zone. A disjointed game and below par for the standards set of recent. I guess some days are like that. It’s a funny old game…

Bacon Bard.