Friday 26th April

Motley crew of players and elders assemble in Birmingham airport Departures, (Wetherspoons to be precise) around 6pm. Some early birds (Choochoo and ZZ) even ‘happier’ than the later arrivals. First Dress of Shame winner = ‘Lucky’ George. A bag search at security reveals the contents of his bathroom and 2 gross of condoms. The former confiscated, the latter apparently packed ‘in case he gets lucky’ – come on this is Leamington Colts we’re talking about! Still, he takes it on the chin and wears DOS proudly throughout Departures. Longshanks (Dopey-one) and Shakehands (Dopey-two), both neglecting to pack their gumshields, are close contenders and fight for DOS later. Beers/G & T’s under the belt, calling cards dealt and we are ready to go. First call in the boarding queue – Fudd claims hard of hearing. Usual Ryan Air Club colours -orange and yellow, nothing to report except a bump on landing which woke up Posh. Remarkably quick bus ride to the HM Tropical, our home for the next three days – slightly worrying start at this early hour in the morning the bar is shut. Oh well tomorrows another day.

Saturday 27th April

Early rise, internet search and a hasty taxi ride later, the gum-shields are topped up. Bar staff looking confused over our request for jugs of cold and boiling water – some strange English thing no doubt. Azure mirror pool, ring of palm trees, band of golden sand and turquoise sea - wow. Sun is strong, but the sea breeze is refreshing, or in Posh’s case ‘freezing’ being used to Asian temperatures now. Dopey-one has now lost the DOS and his shorts as well! – no more taxi rides this time mate. Boys warming up on the beach with a game of touch – traditional skins v shirts. They take time out to watch one of the first adults’ game to see what this beach rugby is all about – offloading and hand-off skills seem to be needed. Looks like there are three teams in our competition – we target bronze medal as a minimum. Cold drinks circulating amongst the team, some of those cans look suspiciously like beer – surely not before the first game! Elders sunning themselves by the sea – what an idyllic scene.

Just after 12 noon our first game commences v that well-known local Majorcan team ‘Beaconsfield’ – they looked handy in their earlier game! Our lads start strong and Ginga gets us off the mark with an intercept try after a fiercely contested opening minute or so. Further great breaks/scores by Dopey-one and Irish. Beaconsfield pull one back just before the break. Half time already - Leam 3 Beacons 1 - Things happen fast in this game! Second half starts with a flowing move from Leam first one way then the other, leading to Ginga dotting down in the corner. Beacons pull one back before another good Leam move leading to Dopey-two bulldozing over to score. Now 5-2 to Leam. Could this be a win to start the competition? Yes – after a further response from Beacons, Lucky gets the final try. Final Score Leam 6 – Beaconsfield 3 – maybe we have found our game!

Team seem to be buzzing after that performance, although Dopey-one has now lost his new gum-shield and torn his ear requiring head strapping. Meanwhile Dobbie, who has been right in the thick of that game, gets his finger heavily strapped. At this rate we will soon have a team of mummies.

20 mins later, we are starting our 2nd game v El Toro – now they are a local club and boy do they have some heavy weights. They obviously spend a lot of time on the beach doing this stuff and when not, would appear to be mainly taking on board maintenance calories. Big start from them leading to the first try, but Leam are not deterred and respond strongly with good play from Hooky and Beezo, sending Ginga crossing the line again. The heavy weights bring it on, but our defence is strong and a fast break from Ginga leads to a second Leam try. They don’t like it up ‘em and the heavy boys crash through to level it. A period of pressure by El Toro is strongly defended, before half time (score remains 2-2). Posh, impressed at the defence, comments ‘Our lads are well versed at defending on their line’. Second half ET come out firing and score two early tries. Leam heads far from going down – Chunk crash try and Dopey-one galloping in the corner level the scores once again. It looks ominous when heavy ET pressure leads to a score to take the lead late on, but the Junior Prof finds an opening and charges through in the last gasp of the game. Final score Leam 5 El Toro 5. A good fight back – the boys have indeed found their forte.

Another much needed case of water arrives and there’s a break before the next game. ZZ is the first to bear his upper half exposing his ‘Octopus’ – allegedly a Chinese dragon symbol – we don’t ask. Posh asks for a hand to get beers and after a round of applause, I hear myself saying ‘now p*ss off and get the beers’ – must be the quill influencing ‘psyche’ – maybe that’s why the Bard is as he is? Choochoo getting excited as the seaside tram goes past, ZZ getting into beach music mood. Inaki and Jose of Madrid tour infamy greet us all as long-lost rugby friends. Chiefy returns from a walk with temporary supplies for the boys (m&m’s and cakes) – Tanky advises ‘she can come on tour again’ (see later)!

Its 1.45pm and our third game commences against that old rival Beaconsfield. Slow start from Leam and B’s get the first try, but immediately a Ginga break levels the score. Repeat the same thing again and its Ginga 2 Beaconsfield 2. Tit for tat B’s go ahead again. A strong carry from Sandy lane before Dobbie gets a great try in the corner, 3 a-piece. Its alternate tries again – this is a well-balanced game. Its B’s turn for the try and sure enough… then a good offload from Dobbie puts Beezo over for Leam. No-ones stopping him from there. Times ticking on – final minute and Ginga, now back on after a rest, gets his hat trick to clinch a hard-fought victory- Phew! Leam 6 Beaconsfield 5.

The final game v El Toro starts with a Leam flourish and first try following a team effort puts Dopey-two over the line. After strong pressure ET equalise. Our turn next and who else but Ginga gets the score. It’s another tit for tat game, ET, then Ginga, then ET. Half time its 3-3. Toro come out strong after the break all firing with their first (and largest Five), they go two tries up before Ginga gets one for Leam and his second hat trick of the tournament. It’s a brave and hard-fought final game with all the team showing strength in defence, but ET Clinch it – Leam 4 – El Toro 6.

Team photo’s, pleasantries and beers follow all round. Leam collect the runners up trophy – well done lads. The mammoth pasta lunches see everybody struggle except Flub-a-lub, who polishes his off promptly and then goes for a dip. The Sage’s beach observation prize (not directed at Fudd incidentally) is awarded for the comment – ‘I wouldn’t have a tattoo like that even if I was trying to cover up an old girlfriends name’. Most make their weary way back to the hotel for a hard-earned rest after an arduous day, leaving a hardened three socialising with the ‘Spanish Refs’ and then watching the men’s QF. Its KFC v Tigers and a beach dance is required by each team before kick-off – I think Tigers win the dance, although it probably has the opposite effect to the Haka. It was an even game and nobody seems sure or cares who won – we’ve all had more than a few beers by this time. So they decide to have a golden try play off – KFC win it.

Returning early evening to the Tropical, we find most assembled around the pool, lads one side, elders the other, but all, excepting Fudd and especially Posh, complaining of water too cold to swim in – have this lot never been to Bognor, let alone Scarborough. Even Chiefy, on her second Mojito and heavily goaded by Fudd couldn’t be persuaded into the pool. Power naps were seemingly compulsory, even for the lads, before assembly for the ‘Gala dinner’ at the latish hour of 9.45pm. Junior Prof gets prize for the only club tie wearer. Elders (male) all resplendent in ShiteShirts, which seem to please the other hotel guests. The cooling sea breeze has clearly caught some of us out and there are many red faces, heads, legs and feet! It’s a slow amble down to the Dinner venue, with Twinkle Toes and Purple Helmet bringing up the rear. What a spread it is – PH goes for the grilled Octopus on his 5th plate. Even Posh announces in best Yorkshire ‘I’m not a fan of the buffet, but that was good’. Its noteworthy that the only liquids visible on the table are iced water and green aloe vera gel (even though the beer and wine is free!).

After dinner, beers and wines resume, whilst Tanky is caught out on the calling cards – left in the hotel with limp excuse he was concentrating on bringing the meal tickets. After some following discussion about ‘going out on the lash’, Tanky decrees ‘this is the last time Allison Wiggin comes on tour’(earlier comment rescinded). Ribs turns up again like a bad penny, Beaconsfield have deserted him - he needs a surrogate club, we oblige. Its half past midnight – sun sand and drink have taken their toll, oldies return to the Tropical, Youngies head out down the strip to see what they can find!

Sunday 28th April

Weehee, the first of two days off, its 9am and no sign of any youngies at breakfast yet, although its reputed they got back early having found only, according to Sandy Lane ‘a bar that was a bit cr*p’. On the plus side, Choochoo has made a ‘recce’ into Palma (I don’t know when he found time to do this!) and has provided detailed bus timetables, maps of old city, including recommended craft beer bar. In the 11 am briefing, Tanky reports that there had been no recorded trouble during the night hours, praises all for their very responsible behaviour and outlines options for the day ahead. Most opt for the cultural trip to Old Palma. Still sporting notable sun induced features, El Kung Fu Panda and Flub-a-lub shop for a top up of wide brim hats. We stop at a beach bar by the games HQ to assemble for the town bus, it’s a good turn out for the trip – 12 boys – Dopey-one, two, three, four & five, Sleepy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Happy, Doc, Bashful and Jack Samuels are all there. They are really together on this trip. Bad Penny shows up again. Hen Peck reports back to HQ.

Palma Cathedral was started in 1201 and finished in 1650 – it is huge and striking in its location right on the sea front. Some quotes from within follow (you guess who); ‘Nowadays of course, it would all be reinforced concrete and steel beams’, ‘I bet this cost a few bob’ ‘The Churchwarden here must have his work cut-out’.

Next – lunch at Bella Italia, in a lovely quiet old square (until the boys arrived). They manage to accommodate 19 of us. Beers, banter and food ensue, followed by a ramble round the old town for those keen on walking. Those not so keen on walking are seen doing a Brits abroad impression from a taxi speeding back in the direction of the Tropical.

Back at the pool, drinks are flowing and ‘all-inclusive drink’ wrist bands are being sported. The ever present, Bad Penny is regaling his Scottish history. 8.10pm – these G & T’s are large, ZZ arrives from his pre-dinner shower. Various boys arrive asking for more money, even the quiet ones – what have they got planned tonight, we speculate as there has been some talk of German girls? It appears that communications are all achieved through the two Finnish Linguists! Drinks are flowing, speculation leads to concern – Chiefy starts the conversation – ‘Where is my baby going to tonight?’, ‘What baby! – he’s the biggest one, anyway how did he come out of you’ – ‘Actually his birth was remarkably easy’. Unfortunately, at this very exciting point, the conversation is interrupted by more boys requesting money. Ribs advances the theme from birth to what he terms ‘the raising and nourishing of kids’- his advice concludes ‘think of yourselves as gardeners’.

Dinner time, Ribs is now firmly embedded in the group and introduces the great Scottish culinary after dinner treat of Manchego with honey and instant coffee. Wrist band drinks and banter continue to flow after dinner (again guess who) – ‘Have you been to phone the missus again?’, ‘Yes, I’ve had 4 missed calls and an angry face!’ – ‘There goes Twinkle toes, shuffling off for a fag’, ‘That’s not very sympathetic. I actually try to be sympathetic, I just can’t do it’. Its 11 pm, more drinks arrive, apparently the boys are at the ‘Bierkonig’. This leads to more speculation – what is Lucky’s latest score? It is suggested this may not be going too well and there may be a need for alternative methods to dispose of his stock tomorrow – Posh volunteers to demonstrate buoyancy training on the beach.

Its now gone midnight and last orders at the bar. Shortly after, Dopey -one and two have become Happy-one and two and arrive in the bar to keep us very heartily entertained – It seems the lads have had a good time in the Bierkonig. Other members of the team don’t make it down to the bar, although they are now all back from their adventures.

Monday 26th April
Amazingly all the boys make it to breakfast, Elders a little slower, but all there and Ribs of course. Time for a final chill out on the balcony before check out. Still the same - Pool, palm trees, golden sand, turquoise sea – one could get used to this! Ribs is lurking around the pool, looking for who knows what – maybe his next victims. There’s still a stream of serious looking cyclists zooming along the beachside track heading towards the mountains. The boys have certainly been more ‘together’ and close knit on this tour – both on and off the pitch, whatever they’ve done (good bad or ugly) its been together! Surely that’s the essence of a good and memorable tour – off course the weather and a beach does help!

At 12 noon, the herd assembles for checkout, bags to the luggage room and there’s time for one more adventure before we head to the airport – this tour just keeps on giving. Elders wander down to a German bar, the lads mainly hire electric scooters – they happily zip past us on the beach-side track competing with the cyclists. The German waiter supplies us with either ‘man beers’ or ‘kids coke’. Boys zip past us again. Waiter does impersonation of chicken, whilst trying to explain the menu. More man beers and some food, boys’ whizz past again. Back at the tropical, lounging by the pool/bar, everyone tries, with varying degrees of success, not to succumb to sleep.

I realise that I am still wide awake with notebook in hand – I take my hat off to the Bard, who has done this throughout all previous tours and seasons. His work, committed to the annuals, will be read, re-read, shredded, reprinted, re-interpreted and many years from now still people will wonder – what’s it all about!

Blood injury Bible Bard off the Bench