Brilliant sunshine; bacon sarnie; tea; Sages in fine fettle – the world is good. Thoughts of narrowboats and welding: presumably because you can’t find a Welshman when you want one. The Full Usherwood is back on the menu.

Meanwhile, our charges focus on the rugby before them. Phatcat prowling the touchline looking surprisingly fresh considering his birthday antics.

Wind. Forgot to mention the wind – a stiff biting breeze at Leamington’s back for the first half.

We're off, and Nuneaton make their intent known early doors; so, route one it is then. A big and strong front line making progress and punching holes in the Leam defence. Crash, bang, wallop and a burst through the middle. First try Nuns. 0 v 7.

Second try wasn’t far behind. From restart, several phases with a powerful run through traffic and, with power and pace, an early brace to our visitors. Intent stated and points flow. 0 v 14.

The wind and mud not adding to the quality of play as both teams try to adjust. The more direct approach, of our visitors, proving to be the most effective; pretty intricate play is best left to the Six Nations. Another try to Nuns. 0 v 21.

But Leam are back and are getting into the game now through their backs. Nuns on the back foot. Lineouts and set pieces as territory is taken by Leam – it’s only an interlude. Nuns are back and retaking lost ground as they power through the middle and keeping the ball alive. Leam with their backs to their try line, Jinja with a 90-yard wind-assisted punt down the touchline and keenly chased down by Flowerpot and Speedy: great mobility, great pressure. The game swings to and fro with Leam’s mobility countering Nuns forward power. All well and good, but the bludgeoning approach scores points. Another try to Nuns. 0 v 28.

Restart and Leam probing the visitors line. Another probing kick and Leam using the wind to good effect, as Nuns scrabbling backwards, good territory to Leam. A nice phase of play for the home team getting a good feel of the ball and growing confidence. Injuries growing – Tinky limping off with an injured kicking leg – a tactic that has helped keep Nuns at bay. Another try to Nuns, slipped in there from somewhere, a difficult half for Leam. 0 v 33.

Tanky muttering about knowing his elbow from his side-entry. Again, good territory from kicking and line-outs – no points, but good to spend some time in the visitors 22. A strong finish from Leam but all are happy to hear the half-time whistle. A tough half for Leam as all their endeavour adds up to nought. Some good play, at times, but no real answer to Nuns and their powerful breaks. Leam with no real antidote to the visitor’s crash-ball – what pearls of wisdom has Tanky up his sleeve? Leam working their way into the game but need to score. The Sages strangely quiet and more concerned with Sport Science evidence.

Against the wind, for the second half, and Nuns kick for touch – is this a change of tack? Nuns pressure but Leam reinvigorated repel each wave of pressure. Forwards keen to collect more points but the ball held-up. Scrum 5 and Leam not out of the woods, yet. So many options and a try follows. 0 v 38.

Restart, somewhat wonky, but Nuns playing on and build their phases. Phases and yards coming in quick succession – Leam still no answer – try. 0 v 43.

Kick-off and Tank taking the direct route as he powers through the opposition line; playing them at their own game. It’s effective and good yards made. Nuns defending, but Sir penalising them for misdemeanours, various. A tap-and-go to Raging Bull and route one chosen. Feisty, as ever, yards are made and too hot to handle. Marauding, with little finesse, and a bruising try Leam. 7 v 43.

Leam showing that they can also take route one and be effective. “They don’t like it up ‘em” an over excited Sage blurts out, and no doubt working his way to “fix bayonets” to complete his repertoire. Injury time: a Nuns player has gone down heavily. Teams regroup and snatch a well-earned breather. Player now limping off – good luck and a speedy recovery to our visitor.

Normal service is resumed: a short-range power play breaking the Leam line and Nuns lethal from .91 metres. Try. 7 v 48.

Restart and tried and tested tactics employed. Crash- ball: 5-yard run; ball popped up; in bread basket; line broken. Try. 7 v 55.

Tanky, muttering the laws under his breath as if some sort of incantation, searching for inspiration. Leam working moves but they struggle to pull them off. De-frocked has arrived – overdressed, in order to show up his neighbour, but under dressed for the weather following his coaching foray to Rome. Leam not done yet, as they still forge forward. Phases from the odd shaped players as Leam make good progress and yards. More injury time. The score line not reflecting the honest endeavour and ‘never say die’ attitude.

The game restarts and more pressure from Leam in a sporadic incursion to the Nuns 22. Points hard to collect as Nuns are miserly in defence. Nuns break out with some rapid phases – yards gobbled up as Leam defend desperately. Defending that can only delay the inevitable try – momentum of an express train is hard to stop. 7 v 60.

Leam not finished yet, and still getting on the front foot. Posing a waning threat but still probing the visitors, the game is running out of time. Bedraggled and with diminishing threat the game peters out – both teams have done their dash. The final whistle draws a line under the proceedings – a tough day at the office. An odd game of opposing styles – capped by dazzling sun and hail. Our visitors proving too strong – power and pace an irresistible game plan: Leam without an answer. Just a flying visit to the clubhouse for words of wisdom.

Stig: ‘we didn’t play to the conditions – an expansive game was always going to be fraught with danger, but we came into the game as it unfolded.’ His gluhwein addled brain was misfiring as he descended into a Norman Collier routine a stuttering, stammering, mumbling buffoon. Big hugs.

Tanky: [Now, not many people realise that he’s a keen student of the classics. A particular fan of Archilochus, the Ancient Greek poet, and the interpretations of Isaiah Berlin for modern philosophy. At least, I think that’s what he said.] ‘It’s a game of the Hedgehog and the Fox. The Fox knows many things, but the Hedgehog knows one important thing.’ [He hadn’t touched Guinness at this stage, I promise] ‘We are a fox: good at a lot of things and play a rounded game using all departments. Our visitors are a hedgehog: they have one great asset – their forwards - ruck, maul, crash-ball. They do it, and they do it bloody well.

The hedgehog plays to its strength - the fox has no answer. The fox has to play its own game and avoid the hedgehog’s strengths. The fox needs heightened situational awareness and decision making to harness the fox’s talents – variety. Changing the game focus; keeping the ball; nullifying the opposition strength.

The fox is a wily character.

Bacon Bard.