The sun is shining the grass is green – a fine morning for the fine game.

A quiet clubhouse has Ross looking chilled. A healthy bunch these U16 Sages – granola aplenty – well, you don’t build a rugby team on squirrel food. Uncle Albert, the team’s token failed vegan, tries to order a granola breakfast much to Jackie’s chagrin “do you want that deep fried” followed by expletives that would make the Churchwarden blush: a full Usherwood it is then.

Chat of tour… but first things first.

Hinckley, an unknown quantity, but using Tanky’s inverse proportionality constant this could be a challenging day. Vague memories of other age groups but nothing relevant to this morning, but that will never knowingly stop the Sages having an opinion.

Tanky, with a late call up to refereeing duties, bedecked in his Duplo garage mechanic outfit and an Action Man (Eagle Eye) sculpted beard. A fair tad of ginger coming through in that beard – a rouge Celtic gene in there, perhaps – may account for his late conversion to Guinness.

Stig’s warmup drills complete - let the game begin.

A steady start as both sides get a feel for the ball, going through the phases and all is even. An interesting punt, to break it up, but still no penetration in either 22, an interesting change of ploy. Pleasing to see Georgeous back in the fray – a long break, but then again, a quick return.

Still ping-pong in the middle third: lineout, scrum, lineout. Territory hard to come by but increasingly our middle third being played in (if there is such a thing). Leam resorting to a kicking game and nearly make a foray into the opposition 22: kicking, seemingly the way forward. Leam making progress with a lineout, as straight as a dog’s hind leg, pressure applied but no advantage gained. Hinckley looking dangerous in the backs – lively, and gaining yards, but Leam tackle to stifle their ambitions.

First quarter of the game down and honours even. A blank scoresheet – who can break the deadlock?

Hinckley with the edge in the scrum and using it as a platform for set moves. A strong push down their left flank and marauding into the Leam 22 – Flowerpot on point to snuff out.

Injury time and enforced changes for Leam – Stiglette takes an early bath.

The game restarts and our visitors take a scrum against the head in dangerous territory. Desperate defending on the Leam try line, repeated tackles shutting the door as Hinckley probe the line. Good defending but Hinckley ship it out wide – inevitable space and first try to the visitors. 0 v 5.

Restart and Hinckley buoyed by the points and looking lively with a spring in their steps. Referlee now getting a grip with some stern words – those eagle eyes miss nothing (or, was it his ears?). A good game breaking out and a sense of urgency; the next points will be important. A mid-field tussle ensues, before Hinckley burst through the centre. Pace and a strong solo run evades the Leam defence; try. 0 v 12.

Leam return with gusto. Taking the game to the visitors Leam in need of a fruitful response, and points. Too late, Hinckley backs respond with territory and pressure. A scrum set piece and then ball down the line and space found. Try. 0 v 19.

Hinckley up to the challenge and looking dangerous – all backs keen to make yards, and break the line, as they take the game to Leam. Halftime called and a weary Leam in need of a regroup. Ooiirish, with his first mention of the Grand Slam – bravo for such restraint, it took a lot longer than anticipated.

“Second half will be different with the sun in their eyes” says the Granola Sage – wise words or a full-fat-protein-withdrawal-induced-optimistic-mirage.

Referlee’s fitness regime called into question (apparently kids are to be blamed): preparation prevents… something or other.

Second half is underway. Sun in their eyes? I’m not sure that Hinckley have noticed, and so, they start as they left off.

Leam breaking from their 22 – Raging on the wing and making good yards, until he runs out of pitch. Although, oddly, the pitch looks seemingly bigger now with Hinckley utilising the space and filling it rather better. Despite the midfield tackling by Leam, Hinckley retaining the option to go wide and around the outside, and do so with aplomb. Try follows. 0 v 24.

Leam still getting on the front foot and posing questions of Hinckley. An enterprising attack from Leam stretches the visitors but they rebound with gusto – ball alive, movement, pace, handoffs and try follows. 0 v 29.

The game slipping away, and almost out of sight, but Leam still plugging away. PhatKitten, the duty manager with Midland Red, hogging the ‘under the bus’ mantle: sterling work performed under a hail of flailing legs and studs. Hinckley buzzing with Leam scratching their heads and bereft of ideas. Having said that, Flowerpot with a deftly placed dink and Ginja is off. Ball evading scrabbling hands as the trusty boot chips 10 yards, and a foot race that had only one outcome. Try Leam. 7 v 29.

Leam now reinvigorated and coming alive – ShakeHands getting shirty and showing competitive intent – Leam still in contention, just. Leam taking the game to Hinckley but can they maintain the pressure? Nice phases as Leam turn the screw. More enforced changes. Injuries piling up, and the Leam line looking less than familiar, not adding to the team cohesion. Hinckley with a break from their half. Missed tackles, hand-offs, and an easy get-out-of-jail try. A sucker punch from good Leam pressure. 7 v 36.

The game now breaking up with stoppages: the Midland Red mechanic now apparently broken. Scrappy play as tired limbs and the game slides out of sight for the beleaguered Leam. A goodly pace on this vast pitch (we’re not used to playing in the heat!) is taking its toll. Leam with enforced changes, on the hoof, and bitty play sees the game drift to its final conclusion. The last word goes to our visitors – a try to seal the final play of the game (they must have heard of our last try wins shenanigans). 7 v 41.

As the game petered out for Leam at least the sun is still shining.

Post-match analysis.

Stig: physicality – we were muscled out of it at times. It took two to tackle which soaked up our players leaving gaps in the line – and handoffs were too easy.

Phatcatt: likewise followed in the same vein. Two to tackle – soaking up players that leaves an overlap. Hard to get on the front foot and to play our game. He also mentioned that fruit cider isn’t a thing – and on tour it’s an abomination that would incur the displeasure of the Quartermaster. Just no, Elmer Fudd.

Skippy-Beez: “Better overall performance [we] need to tidy things up a bit. We should give the tour sides a good game”. He refused to be drawn of Brexit.

They-call-me-Dave: has had an England call up (the 6 Nations was a tad disappointing, but this was unexpected) and so can’t make the tour. He also celebrated his birthday last week and passed around the cakes – top man, they-call-me-Dave.

Tanky: work in progress. Break down, line speed – we need to be more decisive. Margins in the game are very tight. Following on from the success of last week’s communication training Tanky will be introducing ‘supreme wakening of sentient beings’ and ‘intuitive knowledge’ whilst on tour. It’s essential for backs and forwards to know that ‘form is not different from emptiness’. Sensei-Tanky will be holding master classes in Clogland.

Did someone mention a tour…

Spek Dichter.